Short Story, Fanfiction.

[Torham Zed]

Good idea? Bad Idea?

Anyway, the third installment is in there. I made the font smaller so more would fit in less space, but I think it was easier to read bigger. I thought it would attract attention... Should I change it back to bigger font?

I changed a bit of the second installment so they DO find the first secret.

I will have to clean this up before it's ready for Fanfic.net. When I do, I will edit this version as well. I can't imagine much important stuff will change. Just Syntax and grammar mostly.

[Komag]

sounds like a good idea to me.

I adjusted the font size, title colors. one typo - "block on" - "block of"

It's very interesting to read a literal interpretation of the dungeon like this! I wonder if some sections later will be hard to explain directly, so maybe you can have a more loose interpretation if you want to when it makes sense.

[Torham Zed]

Well, this last section was called: Working Out the Kinks. Once they have done these things a few times and worked out a procedure, I won't need to explain it all in so much detail. Like pull-chains, and Pressure plates will become old hat, and will not have to be wondered about. Of course, every new thing they encounter will have to be addressed, but many things will smooth out into standard procedure. It's the dungeonering process. Torham has had the most experience in them with his mercenary work, followed by Saros who has studied them. Equus has seen battle, but not in dungeons. Seri has only seen conflict and ruins in passing. None have experienced anything on this scale before, but they know enough to form habits and policy about going through it.

Oh, and I didn't know you could do things like change other posts... I'm new to this whole forum thing... Your Green lettering must stand for something.

[Komag]

Ah, your explanation makes perfect sense, each new type of thing will be explained along the way, but then is "understood" after that and need not be described in detail every time, got it.

And yes, I'm one of the forum moderators. The admins (game designers) have red names, moderators have green names, and all else are white. You can see the "team" here:
memberlist.php?mode=leaders

[Torham Zed]

I was wondering as I was writing the next installment... Can I say mild swear words in the story? I wouldn't imagine that would be much of a problem but... you never know... What would you say is the extent of "Profanity" in terms of language, and other themes like gore, and the like?

[Komag]

I personally feel it lessens/cheapens the quality to include that sort of "adult" stuff, but that's just my own opinion, and of course it's up to you. I know that might feel a bit restrictive, but I think the best creativity happens under restrictions and some confines, that when you have limits to work in it actually helps you come up with better output.

nice snail battle!
typo - "don't those that" - don't lose that

[Torham Zed]

I wasn't thinking anything major. Just "Damn" every now and then. I agree that harder curses would take away from it and ruin the eloquence of the language, as we link it to modern language and the inability to say anything else. Really the only thing that bothered me was that I wanted Equus to say: "Damn straight it won't!" Equus is a rough character who I feel that is not at all out of place. I felt it was silly to worry about such a little thing. I have respect for the forum and don't want any trouble.

In terms of other things, I think the worst I would do is describe the brutal maiming and killing of monsters and characters should they be caught in a tight spot. To give you a few examples: there would be much exposed arteries, innards making the sounds of boots in mud as they taste the air, and the mistreatment of corpses by their killers (Nothing twisted, just brutal). Also near-deaths with prolonged suffering. When a cold sweat sets in and the victim can hardly move they are shaking so bad. Life is brutal here in the dungeon. Short, painful, and dangerous. By some miracle, the party may make it out alive. That is not the expected outcome, even for them.

Let me know if any of this is a problem. I would hate to step on any toes.

[Komag]

I think all of those examples can be fitting when done appropriately as you suggest

[Sir Tawmis]

Interesting read. Glad to see more fanfic here. (I returned to mine, after almost a year!)

My ONE BIG suggestions would break up the text. Because when I first went into the thread, the font size plus the lack of breaks (paragraph breaks) between the text made it feel like "Wall O'Text"

So try to do things like:

Legend of Grimrock: Into the Pit
My chains rattle in time with the lurching momentum of the airship. My head is bent low in shame. Occasionally, I look up to see if that Minotaur freak is still eyeing me. It had no horns, so I naturally assumed it was female. However, I heard it speak to one of the guardsmen as they passed by, and its voice was as deeper than mine.

I was almost glad for the Minotaur’s presence. It gave me something to ponder other than my imminent doom. Gods… I pray it’s not the last thought in my head. What a waste… I must conjure up something to say to myself just before the end, something with meaning. I think of my name: Torham Zed. I think of my life. I lead it as well, if not better than most men. I was a successful mercenary for a time. However, moving this far north to seek my fortune was the worst mistake of my career. This Kingdom of Theraen… it’s insane. The king here is either mad or… fearful of something… I shake my head to clear it. I won’t allow a thought like that to enter my mind now. It’s too horrible. The man is crazy. There is no more to be said. This is injustice and nothing more.

As my thoughts return to injustice, I take a look back up at the Minotaur. She… He seems to have given up staring at me for now. I hear two other prisoners talking in hushed voices to my left. I pick my head up for the first time since I sat here almost three hours ago by my count, and cast a look down the hall. A pale man with thinning black hair leans close to a scrawny, flame-haired woman. I can only make out bits of their conversation, but it seems some of it is in another language.

Also, I'd use single quotes when you're emphasizing or mentioning something that's already in dialogue quotes, for example you have:

“…Don’t forget the “VI” and “IR”… Runes can be… quickly for… Do you find that as well? Really? “Full, Bro, Neta? I’ve never heard of…”

I'd do:

“…Don’t forget the 'VI' and 'IR'… Runes can be… quickly for… Do you find that as well? Really? “Full, Bro, Neta? I’ve never heard of…”

Because I was REALLY confused as to what was happening in this dialogue? I still can't tell what the dialogue is supposed to be...